RetroGame FunClub: 2011

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Retro(game)spective - Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

2/15/2011

The Game: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Note: Less cool dudes and fire, more Shotround.

Release Year: 1987

Skewes: NES (and a whole bunch of different versions, but I played the NES one)

So what’s it like: Last week I played a surprisingly fun cross-medium tie-in video game. This week I was not so lucky. I ended up playing Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom for the NES.

If I had a nickle for every time I've heard "touch kid to see prize"...

Temple of Doom is a sidescrolling platformer where Indie must collect a bunch of shirtless boys before time comes up. Yeah, I know, it's creepy. Even creepier than Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. Seriously the goal of every level is to pull shirtless boys out of small holes, where they will reward you with keys, knives, or other random items. There are two main segments, a platforming part and a minecart part. The integration between the two is confusing, as there is no map and you end up wandering around aimlessly. The platforming is terrible, whenever you jump, you jump forward and down. And every level has dangerous lava below. So unless you are pressed against the wall, jumping will kill you instantly. This game isn't good.

I don't know what's worse. The shirtless boys or the hunchbacked Nazi.

Should you go back: No.

Should this game be remade: No. Do what Speilberg can't, put a bullet in Indie.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Retro(game)spective - Phantom 2040

2/14/2011

The Game: Phantom 2040

Release Year: 1995

Skewes: SNES, Genesis, Game Gear

That's what you get for making fun of the purple suit.

So what’s it like: Phantom 2040 may be the first game I've gone into cold that actually isn't shit. And, even stranger, it's a licensed game. Phantom 2040 was an animated television show in the early nineties that was pretty terrible, which itself was based on a comic book character named “The Phantom.” But enough about that, let's talk about the game.

I'm going to geeeet you roooboooot.

There is no plot right off the back, but throughout the game you find out you are a “phantom” who, aside from wearing a rediculous purple outfit, must defeat some shadowy organization from ruling the world. You do this by traveling around an open world to different locations. You get items at each location which help you unlock other items in other stages, sort of like Super Metroid or the modern Castlevania games. Where you go in each chapter effects what happens in the story, and result in different endings.

Man why don't I have a shadow panther. I just have this regular-ass panther.

The gameplay is that of your averege side-scrolling shooter. It doesn't feel a lot different than say a Bionic Commando, in that you even have a gun that lets you swing. The enemies are not difficult at all but the exploration is the key draw to the game. There are over 20 endings to the game, so replayability is huge in this game. I found myself going back to it and while I haven't beaten it more than once, I can see myself continue to try.

Tuck and roll, Phantom. Tuck and roll.

Should you go back: Yes. This is a rare gem worth checking out with solid controls and a lot of replayability.

Should this game be remade: No. This game is, in a way, Shadow Complex. So aside from The Phantom ip being irrelevant, this game has already been made.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Retro(game)spective - Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City

2/13/2011

The Game: Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City

Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice.

Release Year: 1994

Skewes: SNES

So what’s it like: I've played a lot of terrible games recently, so I decided instead of picking a random game of title alone I would go back and revisit one of my favorite games as a child. Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City seems like one of those freeware games based on concept alone, like Barkley, Shut up and Jam: Gaiden, but it is an actual video game that people were paid real money to make and people paid real money to play it.

Boom shaka-laka

The evil Dr. Maximus Cranium has stolen various members of the NBA, and it's up to Michael Jordan (not the police, or say, the military) to rescue them. He must travel around the windy city (Chicago (that's where his basketball team was (the Bulls))) and rescue various nameless NBA players from all sorts of monsters, robots, and various other non-threatening foes. You do this by doing what MJ does best. Throwing an endless supply of basketballs at things until they explode.

Oh no! Michael Jordan's worst enemy... the press!

This game doesn't control great, it's hard and very unforgiving; but it has a real charm about it. The ridiculousness alone that an athlete is defeating giant robots by throwing balls at it is enough reason to play it and see for yourself. There are puzzles that must be solved by dunking for christ's sake. Maybe the developers didn't put a ton of time into the game, with passwords like 12345678999 or 99999999999, but so what? Do yourself a favor and find a way to play this game.

The many faces of Michael Jordan.

Should you go back: Hell yeah.

Should this game be remade: Yes, in a way. Take someone and put them in a similar situation... I'm thinking something along the lines of “Kanye West: Trouble in Downtown London.”

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Retro(game)spective - Renegade

2/12/2011

The Game: Renegade

Release Year: 1987?

Skewes: I don't know, I played it on the NES

This is a video game.

So what’s it like: WHY IS EVERY GAME I PLAY A SIDE-SCROLLING BEAT-EM-UP?

This game is a side-scrolling beat-em-up like River City Ransom, but it's worse because it came 3 years before it. The controls suck. Sometimes you punch, sometimes you kick, it's seemingly random. I really don't want to write anything more about this game. Here are some funny pictures.

Should you go back: No

Should this game be remade: No

Friday, February 11, 2011

Retro(game)spective - Last Fight

2/11/2011

The Game: Last Battle

Release Year: 1989

Skewes: Genesis, Amiga, Commodore 64, Virtual Console

It would probably be smarter to kick the dude instead of his weapon. Just sayin'.

So what’s it like: Ok. I'm going to pull back the curtain here. How I decide my games are pretty much random, I pick a game that looks like it's either going to be terrible or awesome, then I start to play it. Then either one of three things happen: it's awesome, it's a shitty platformer or it's a shitty side-scrolling beat-em-up. Last Battle isn't awesome or a platformer.

Oh, thank god they are getting the story out of the way so I can punch dudes.

Last Battle (no, not The Last Battle) is a video game tie in to the popular manga and anime series “Fist of the North Star,” but in 1989 nobody in America knew what that was so all mentions of it in the game were removed and the character's name was changed. It's a side-scrolling beat-em-up where you punch and kick your way to saving a princess, or something. The more enemies you defeat the more powerful you get. There is an overworld map with lots of different routes, and you can go any direction on it so you could theoretically beat every level. There are two types of levels: kill a bunch of dudes and talk with someone at the end in broken English, and fight a tougher dude one-on-one in an arena-like setting.

OGRE NO WANT FIGHT. OGRE JUST WANT TO BE FRIEND.

This game was actually pretty alright. I had motivation to keep playing after the first level. That was, until, I got about five levels in and died. You have one life. One chance, and if you lose it it's game over. What's even worse, is your health persists from level to level. You get a small boost of life at the end of each level, but you are basically screwed if you mess up on one level. I couldn't get past the first world, even with tool assistance.

What did I just say, woman?!

Should you go back: Maybe. The game seems like something some people might enjoy. If you like really punishing old-school games, you might like it. If you're normal, you wont.

Should this game be remade: No. I've said it before and I'll say it again, we don't need any more side-scrolling beat-em-ups.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Retro(game)spective - The Pagemaster

2/10/2011

The Game: The Pagemaster

Release Year:

Skewes: SNES, Genesis, PC

Yeah. Look out he has the power of books. real scary.

So what’s it like: What is worse? Movies based off video games, or video games based off movies? These are the questions that keep me awake at night. Anyway, today's game is “The Pagemaster,” the 1994 Macaulay Culkin, Patrick Stewart, Whoopi Goldberg clusterfuck of a movie that was part real, part cartoon.

Look out! Pedophiles!

The Pagemaster, like 99% of all '90s movie tie-in games it's a sidescrolling platformer. It plays like Mario games in that you collect powerups, and when you are hit you lose the powerups. If you are hit with no powerups you die. Powerups include a shoe that lets you jump higher, slime that lets you climb across ceilings, and a bag of marbles used to throw at enemies. At the end of the level there is a bonus stage where you can collect keys, the game's form of "coins."

HOLY SHIT IT'S LIKE ITS 3D!

The controls are super floaty. His jump is either way to high or not high enough. You can kill some enemies by jumping on them, but some you can't, and it gets really confusing because most of the enemies are book themed. If you get the marbles, which is like the fire flower in Mario, you are pretty much invincible. But the second you lose it, you are as good as dead. There is a world map, but there are very few choices you can make on that map.

Almost as creepy as present-day Culkin.

Should you go back: Nope.

Should this game be remade: No, but the movie should. Just kidding it was awful.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Retro(game)spective - Rival Turf!

I'll let this one speak for itself.

2/9/2011

The Game: Rival Turf!

Release Year: 1992

Skewes: SNES, Virtual Console

So what’s it like: Keeping up with my theme of early-ninties SNES rip-off games, Rival Turf! is, hold on, a Final Fight clone.

Don't worry, cop/firefighter/M. Bison is here to save the day.

You are Jack Flack (alright, points for an awesomely named protagonist), who must find his girlfriend who has been kidnapped by a gang. You can team up with Oozie Nelson (alright, points revoked), a policeman who apparently has a body that was “created by a combination of science and technology”.

Is Oozie Nelson going to have to choke a bitch?

So yeah, it's a Final Fight clone. Not a lot more can be said. You punch, kick and throw enemies to their doom. Instead of finding healing items and weapons in oil barrels you find them in garbage cans (there's nothing like healing off of some garbage sushi). One difference is that instead of having a special attack that drains your health, you can use your special attack after you defeat a certain amount of enemies. That addition, however, is not better.

Is he fighting or ballet dancing?

Should you go back: No. You've seen everything this game has to offer.

Should this game be remade: Yes. All the cartridges should be remade into... I don't know, furniture?

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Retro(game)spective - Pac-Attack

Retro(game)spective

2/8/2011

The Game: Pac-Attack

I don't like the looks of that sinister smile, Pac-Man.

Release Year: 1993

Skewes: Game Boy, Game Gear, Genesis, SNES, CD-i, Wii Shop, Game Boy Advance, GameCube, Playstation 2, Xbox

So what’s it like: Pac-Man, like any good forty-something father, had a mid-life crisis in the ninties. After Pac-Man fever died down and our pizza-shaped protagonist had to do a lot of experimenting to stay “hip.”

Woah, sick tagging Pac-Man.

From 3D adventure games, to... other 3D adventure games, to Pac-Attack. Pac-Attack is a falling block puzzle game, like Tetris. You can clear lines like in Tetris, but the blocks are not differently shaped. They come in different combinations of three blocks together, either ghost, block, or Pac-Man. If you have a row of bricks, they disappear. But then there are the ghosts, and when you get a Pac-Man, he will eat all the ghosts that are connected. This game is a cheap skin of another puzzle game that has nothing to do with Pac-Man.

This. Isn't. Pac-Man.

Should you go back: No. Plenty of more competent puzzle games from that era, or earlier.

Should this game be remade: No. The only re-doing of anything Pac-man is Championship Edition DX.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Retro(game)spective - Metal Combat: Falcon's Revenge

Every day Ben “Ben Pack” Pack or one of his brave compatriots will play a retro game, and break it down for you. That’s right, every day. To complain about us eventually missing a day or suggest your own, go ahead and comment below the article, or email us at retrogamefunclub@gmail.com.

To quote the great L.L. Cool J:
"Don't call it a comeback."
Or do, because it is.
I'm back for better or worse. That's what I love about retro games, man. I get older, they stay the same age.

Retro(game)spective

2/7/2011

The Game: Metal Combat: Falcon's Revenge

Either that's a normal sized robot, or it's a giant-killing machine.

Release Year: 1993

Skewes: SNES

So what’s it like: Ah, the Super Scope. The peripheral that some kids know as “that gun whats in that Smash Brothers game.” Metal Combat: Falcon's Revenge is a sequel to Battle Clash. Why isn't it called Battle Clash Two or Battle Clash: Falcon's Revenge? Good question, next you're going to ask me if there even is a character named Falcon (there isn't). This game is part super scope shooter, part fighting game, all batshit insane.

Why would anyone want to play a game by pointing things at the screen. It'll never catch on.

You play the role of generic blonde anime guy. You have to destroy space robots with your space robot. Why? Because they are SPACE ROBOTS. There's an actual story about some shady force named “Anubis” that is going to destroy Earth, so you have to end up fighting him on the moon, but before you get there you have to travel across earth and fight all the evil crazy robots there. Not crazy enough, you say? Well after you beat Anubis, he reveals he is just a puppet, and you have to fly around the galaxy to fight even crazier space robots on other planets.

Guido? They're giving the cast of Jersey Shore mechs in the future?

The gameplay is typical Super Scope game. You shoot the other space robot to damage it. You can charge your shot and all the enemies have a giant glowing weakspot you can hit for maximum damage. The gameplay isn't what would draw someone to this game, it's the craziness. This game is weird-ass anime at it's finest, with super over the top animations of characters and more “true final bosses” than most games have bosses period. It even has a moral choice at the end! Suck it, Molyneux!

Space robot monkeys are not to be trusted under any circumstances.

Should you go back: No. This game is easily skippable. Look at pictures of it or watch a clip on Youtube.

Should this game be remade: No, but I could see several games like it come to the Playstation Move or Kinect.

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